When a gift is conditional, it is no longer a gift

The reason so many people have difficulty graciously giving or receiving a gift is because they have false beliefs or perceptions about what a gift really is.

Gifts come to us in various forms. It may be a gift of time, a compliment, advice, kind words, a monetary object or money and of course a gift will always come to us with another person’s agenda.

If the agenda requires us to give something in return psychologically, emotionally, sexually, physically, financially or in any other way, then it’s not a gift. We can at this point choose to reject it to avoid any unhealthy entanglement, gratefully accept it without paying anything for it or acknowledge it as a fortunate trade and make that known to the other party.

Have you ever heard someone say, “I gave her a gift but she hasn’t given me anything” or “I did so much for her but she hasn’t done anything for me.” This person is unaware that what they believe they are giving is in fact trading. If they had made that clear to the receiver to begin with, then they would not feel disappointed.

“I love to give gifts to other people but I feel uncomfortable when others give to me.”  This is someone who possibly believes that being cared about or acknowledged is something they don’t deserve or something they have to pay for. Some believe the only way to avoid this is to avoid receiving the gift or by paying something for it before something they don’t wish to pay is required.

People who give to others do so for different reasons. It may be to let someone know they care, to help someone during difficult times or to attempt to improve someone’s life. However, there are also some who give, or appear to give, with the intention of gaining control of others, to hurt someone or to destroy someone else’s life, so the old adage ‘It’s the thought that counts’ is one we should all head.

Then there are conditions put on what a person should or should not do with the gift they have received. “I gave her a really nice gift but she gave it away to someone else.” If someone has received a gift they love but can’t use and they know someone else who would use it, then why wouldn’t they pass it on? If they feel guilty or the person they received it from is upset then perhaps it’s only the monetary value of the gift that is seen and not the greater value of the thought that came with it.

Any gift that is given or received with any conditions at all is not a gift. Trading, of course, is entirely different, it’s something that does have conditions but if trading is what is taking place, then making that clear from the outset will avoid any guilt, disappointment or conflict.