Our needs and independence
Being independent is not living in someone else’s reality or with their belief system but living with our own. It’s not relying on the opinions of others but having our own and asking others for help is not the same as expecting someone else to solve our problems.
Many people believe that being independent is just a physical process. They believe to be independent they have to do everything themselves and not ask for help, but asking someone for help is an independent act in itself.
Some people avoid asking for help when they need it because they perceive it as being weak but at some time or another, we all need help or assistance with a problem we have and admitting it and asking for help requires an independent and courageous attitude. The only weakness is when we expect help and expect others to be responsible for our problems.
Some people avoid asking for help because they believe they have to pay for it, or feel they need to return the favour, but help and assistance is not something that should be measured, returned or paid for in any way unless it’s a trade, which is something that should be made known from the start.
An independent person asking for help will always respect the other person’s right to say yes or no without an explanation and without judging them, whereas a dependent or needy person won’t.
Assuming responsibility for the problems of others allows them to become dependent and unable to care for themselves. Helping is not taking care of them but offering advice or assistance to help them take care of themselves, which is respecting their right to make their own choices without judging them. Judging another person’s choices or circumstances can only be possible if you are that person.
The difference may only be a slight change to the language used. For example, a friend wanting help might say their car has broken down. This is presenting the other person with their problem. If instead, they asked for a lift, they’d be asking for help to solve their problem. To assert the need for them to be independent, the other person’s reply to the first statement might be ‘how can I help’?
There are times when it’s easy to assume someone wants or needs help without asking them. A woman once claimed that when she was younger, she was taught if she was invited to someone’s house for dinner, she should insist on cleaning the dishes for them afterwards. It’s something she always did until one host became upset and boldly stated they didn’t want their dishes cleaned! Of course, now she asks if they would like some help and if they say no, then she doesn’t help. Some might say the host may have really wanted some assistance but said no believing it was polite, but this is an assumption and acting on the assumption would not be respecting their right to be independent.
Speaking for other people instead of letting them speak for themselves is a common way of allowing them to become dependent. This is something that is often done by well-meaning parents on behalf of their partners, for example, “He or she is tired, they feel hurt, they care about you, and they didn’t mean what they said.” If the adult person in question is tired, hurt or unwell, they are quite capable of saying they are and their right to independently do so should be respected.
Some people may or may not be aware that they have become what is often termed as being co-dependent. These are people who feel the need to rescue others instead of helping them. They may do it because they believe they are responsible for other people’s problems; they may believe that other adults can’t take care of themselves or they may believe they have to take care of another person’s problem to be cared about or to be valued. These are false beliefs that are taken from past experiences. Something may have happened to them when they were young and from that experience, they have formed the belief that they were in some way responsible for it, which if they were a child they were not. Some may have had a needy, irresponsible parent or carer and have had to take on their responsibilities to survive childhood, but then hang onto the belief as an adult when it’s no longer needed. Some people believe they have to do something or be something to be valuable or to be loved, but no one has to do anything or be anything to be acknowledged, valued or to be loved.
Another side of co-dependency is when we depend on the opinions or approval of others and believe they are responsible for the way we feel. This gives others a great deal of power and control over our lives; it could be a parent, partner, friend or employer. Being independent is having our own opinions, approving of ourselves regardless of anyone else and knowing that our feelings are only a reaction to what we believe.
Of course, there is no right or wrong, there are only choices and consequences but the consequence of having any co-dependent beliefs often ends with choosing to be in relationships with needy controlling people who can become abusive or violent if their needs aren’t met.