Fear, panic and anxiety
Fear is always of the unknown. This doesn’t mean we have nothing to fear, but when we know what we are really frightened of, even in perilous situations, we will no longer be fearful because we can take practical action to take care of ourselves.
Some people, particularly children, are afraid of the dark but it’s not the dark they are afraid of, it’s what they don’t know or can’t see and the false stories they create in their mind in an attempt to quell the fear. Turning on a light immediately changes the way they feel because they can see what is really there and can deal with it. They may not like what they see but they will no longer be anxious or afraid.
Some of the false beliefs and perceptions we have can cause us to make unhealthy choices that place us in hazardous situations. The intense, fearful emotion we experience is nature’s attempt to wake us up, so we question our beliefs and make safer choices.
Anxiety is when we subconsciously prepare for the unknown when we have experienced trauma. People that have grown up in a secure, carefree environment without experiencing any trauma generally won’t concern themselves with what they don’t know. For most of us though, that is not the case and experiencing trauma that has never been resolved is something that makes us want to know what’s happening next, so we can prepare for whatever we have to face. Many people in this situation falsely believe they won’t cope; sadly, they are unaware of how well equipped they are and how well they have coped in the past.
As uncomfortable as these feelings are, they can at times be quite useful. A pilot, who had personally experienced trauma, found that during his flight training he’d go over the emergency procedures many times and became known by other pilots as the worrier. Later, when he was forced to face a real emergency, surprisingly he was calm and focused. In his mind, he had overly prepared himself for the worst, which made him the person most equipped to safely manage the incident.
Trauma is an unexpected experience, one that shocks us that we find difficult to comprehend. It may or may not be a life-threatening event and it may be a large event, a small incident, a single event or a series of incidents over a long period of time. It’s human nature to try and make sense of any experience we have because it enables us to take action that takes care of us. However, during a traumatic experience, many people find it difficult to immediately make sense of it and thus quickly create a story in their mind so they can take the action they need to. This is a process devised by nature to help us manage a shocking situation.
Once the trauma has passed and we are in a safe place where we no longer feel threatened, the memories of the trauma will come back into our minds to be processed so we can heal.
Nature deals with our physical trauma in a similar way. Some people when seriously hurt, feel no pain at all until they are safely in an ambulance. There are many stories heard about people in car accidents being able to painlessly function with horrific injuries until they reach a hospital.
If we’ve been able to make sense of the trauma and viewed it realistically, then we can value the experience and move on. If however, we have made up a story to make sense of the trauma that isn’t the truth, then we will be forced to relive the traumatic experience until it has been realistically processed and resolved. It’s nature’s way of correcting any false beliefs we have so we can manage any of the same experiences we have in the future.
Unfortunately, some people suppress their feelings and continue hanging onto the false story, which only makes the feelings more intense. Some will suffer with extreme anxiety, nightmares or what is commonly known as panic attacks and post-traumatic stress, which is extremely unpleasant although it doesn’t cause any physical harm. What most people believe in this situation is that they have been affected by trauma but it’s not the trauma they have experienced that is affecting them. The trauma is over, it’s the false perceptions and beliefs they have taken from the trauma and continue to hang onto until they can see it with a new perspective.
An example of this is a divorced woman who, when she left her three-year-old son with her ex-husband who had shared custody, felt traumatised every time, because she believed he was incapable of taking care of the child and constantly put him in dangerous situations. Years later, when the child was a young adult, she started having panic attacks. She noticed they occurred sometime after her son had indicated he was going to engage in a similar activity, which he was now quite capable of managing, but it was a trigger that caused her to suffer. When she was told it was due to a false perception she had of a past experience, she eventually made the connection and could see the experience with a different perspective. She learned that her ex-husband was at the time quite capable of taking care of his son. What he was doing was manipulating her into believing her son wasn’t safe to deliberately frighten her as a punishment for divorcing him. What she falsely believed was an unsafe environment that no one had control of, was in reality quite controlled and her son was now old enough to safely take care of himself. Her panic attacks completely subsided and never returned.
Many people that suffer from extreme anxiety, panic attacks and post-traumatic stress will often have intrusive thoughts – ‘I’m not good enough, nothing ever works for me, I’m stupid’. These are thoughts connected to the beliefs they have taken from the trauma and can sometimes help them know where to look. Telling themselves not to think these thoughts instead of questioning them doesn’t work; it just makes them more intrusive.
The trauma may have been an emotionally abusive relationship and they have absorbed intrusive thoughts in an effort to make sense of it. Often in this situation, people believe they are in some way responsible for the abuse inflicted on them. They may subconsciously believe if they assume responsibility for the abuse they can control it, but no one can control the beliefs or choices of another person, we can only control our own. Trying to control others only gives them control of us.
There are times when it’s difficult to remember and resolve a traumatic experience but because we still have the same false beliefs, other similar experiences will come up in our lives to give us another opportunity to question them. We can also use our own extreme emotions to placate the need to know what is happening next when we still have any unresolved trauma.
For anyone feeling any paralysing fear, panic attacks or other post-traumatic emotions, there is nothing inherently wrong with you. Name the feeling and know that it’s nature’s response to an unnatural experience you have taken a false belief or perception from. To resolve it, learn to recognise the triggers – it might be a smell, a sound or something someone has said. Then if you can, try to safely remember the trauma connected to it. With a more mature perspective, you will be able to change the false belief you took from it and move forward with a new belief that is healthy. If you do this with each trigger, they will eventually be out of your life permanently.