Relationship problems are only caused by not seeing clearly who or what you are relating to
Having a healthy relationship with ourselves, each other and the world we live in is being able to see clearly who or what we are relating to. It doesn’t matter whether it’s our partner, friend, child, parent, spouse, business associate, customer, pet, nature, God or even money, we cannot connect with, or relate to anything while we have false beliefs about, or false perceptions of, who or what we are relating to.
When there is conflict, discomfort, confusion or pain around a relationship we have, then there are false beliefs and perceptions on one or both sides of the relationship.
A relationship we have with someone or something we have false perceptions of is a relationship that doesn’t exist and when we try to be the person others falsely relate to, we lose ourselves and hand over the control we have of our own lives.
The first thing we need to know when we are relating to others is we are not all the same. Instead of trying to be the same or expecting others to be the same, we need to understand that no one is ever the same as anyone else and learn to respect each other’s differences.
I might be an honest person and choose to believe everyone else is honest and then be shocked and upset when I’m scammed.
I might be an empathetic person and choose to believe others are the same and then be upset when someone else doesn’t consider my feelings. If the person I have a relationship with is someone that lacks empathy, then it would be impossible for them to consider my feelings. Naturally, they will relate to me as a person that doesn’t have any. Knowing and understanding that would change the way I relate to them, and my feelings wouldn’t be hurt.
Some people may believe they have a relationship with someone who likes the same things they do. It might, for example, be gardening but then find out later that while the other person may like gardening, they also like to garden in a different way using different principles, techniques or ethics.
Some join groups or religions because they want to be with like-minded people and are shocked to find that while they have the same general interest, their individual beliefs are quite different. A person may join a church believing everyone there believes in God, but there may be some attending who don’t believe in God and instead only believe in church doctrine or they may have a different perception of who God is. People join groups for various reasons. Knowing and understanding this enables group members to have healthier relationships with each other.
Another misconception many people have is that people of the same gender are the same, but dividing people into categories does not make relating to them easier. Every woman and every man are different and when men and women know and understand this, they will have healthier relationships with each other. Occasionally, and adult will tell a child that old people are kind. It would be nice if they all were, but some elderly people aren’t kind.
Often the beliefs we take from our past experiences will affect the way we relate to ourselves and others. If as a child we had a cold unfeeling mother, we may believe that all women are cold and unfeeling and never have a relationship with a woman that isn’t. If we had a violent father, we may believe that all men are violent and continually end up in violent relationships. If our past experience taught us to believe that we are responsible for taking care of other people’s needs, then we may find ourselves choosing to be in relationships with needy people.
How we relate to ourselves will also affect how others relate to us. If we believe, for example, that we are incapable, others may then treat us as being incapable.
There are also some people who will enter into relationships to take advantage of the false beliefs we choose to cling onto. Often we will unknowingly choose to spend time with people who believe our beliefs. If, for example, we believe we are unworthy, we will spend time with people who treat us as being unworthy. If we surrounded ourselves with people who believed we were worthy, we’d have to change our beliefs.
Some people enter into relationships believing they can change the other person, but no one can change anyone else’s beliefs and choices, we can only change our own and how we react or relate to theirs.
There are times when it is difficult to see clearly who we are relating to because some people hide who they are, but their behaviour is often an indication. If someone is treating us badly, it’s not because they care. If someone constantly disregards the way we feel, it’s not because they know or care about how we feel. If someone continually stands us up without an explanation or with a lame excuse, it’s not because they want to spend time with us. It’s only a matter of discarding our own false perceptions and beliefs and the way we feel will let us know if we have any.
It is, however, natural for every human being to care about themselves, the world around them and everyone in it. We can assume, without judging, that anyone who doesn’t, can’t truly see who or what they are relating to. If we believe the person we are relating to cares about us and they don’t or that they don’t care about us and they do, we will have a relationship problem.
The reality may be disappointing, but it gives us the freedom to enjoy many wonderful, healthy relationships that won’t cause us or anyone else harm.