You already have what you want
Recognising the real choices we make starts with the language we use. Generally, when we say we don’t want something, we actually have what we want but we aren’t aware of the choice we’ve made, so setting goals and wanting to achieve more is not about gaining what we want but changing what we want.
Some people will say they want money and yet no matter how much they seem to receive they still don’t have any. They will subconsciously find a way to lose it or get rid of it to justify believing they shouldn’t have it, for a reason they aren’t aware of.
Many people who believe they are overweight will often complain about their size and yet find dieting achieves little or no change. I have an acquaintance who admits she is frightened but tries to hide it by being intimidating. What she doesn’t realise is that she needs to be large to be intimidating and yet she constantly complains about her weight and continually diets to lose some.
Another example is a woman who owned a store that she ran seven days a week and constantly complained about not being able to have a much needed holiday. She said she didn’t care where it was, she just wanted to spend two weeks not working in a place where she could sleep, read books and be completely taken care of. Not long afterwards the same woman injured her back and was admitted to hospital where she was taken care of for two weeks before returning to the store happy and well-rested.
Asking why we are choosing what we have in our life may be confronting but it can help us find beliefs we have that aren’t true and we can then start to understand the choices we are making that align with them and see the consequences.
Instead of saying I don’t want… ask yourself why am I choosing..? I don’t want to be the weight I am – why am I choosing to be the weight I am?
You could change I have to… to I am choosing to… then ask why am I choosing to… I have to wash the dishes – I am choosing to wash the dishes. Why? Because I want to use them again or I want to please my parent/partner…
Change I had to… to why I chose to… I had to go to work – I chose to go to work so I would have the means to take care of myself or…
Change I should… to I will choose to… or I will choose not to… because… I should spend more time with my friend – I will choose to spend more time with my friend because I enjoy her company or I will choose not to spend more time with my friend because I feel uncomfortable when I do.
Change I can’t… to I choose not to… because… I can’t buy those shoes – I choose not to buy those shoes because I want to purchase other more important items or pay some of my accounts.
Once we see the choices we are making, we then need to question why we are. If the consequence of the choice is causing discomfort or pain, then the belief we have is false.
An example could be changing I don’t want to be broke to why am I choosing to be broke. It might be because I believe I am not worthy or valuable. Why do I believe I’m not valuable? What experience caused me to believe that? Is it because I want to believe someone cares about me that doesn’t value who I am? Is it because a loved one needs money and I believe I can’t refuse them? Is it because I believe I have failed in another area of my life and therefore believe I am not deserving?
We really can solve any problem we have when we have the real reason for it instead of an excuse, and choosing how we live our lives instead of allowing something or someone else to choose for us is empowering because we can change it.